Tuesday, February 02, 2016

clearer

today is better
the girls got into a huge fight yesterday
again
all my fault
again
dogs are alive
9 drains between the 2
i mopped up blood for almost 2 hours last night
today i keep finding splatters
drops
smears
in places i never expected
kat saved them by throwing water on them
then ran screaming from the house
there is too much blood
too much blood
i had blood on my arms up to my elbows
outside
screaming for help
neighbor and
a stranger on a bike came in
thank you
thank you to the vet office for
taking care of the girls
and me

no pictures today



Monday, February 01, 2016

obviously

I'm not in a better mood.

I'll try again next month.

thanks for hanging on

House of Circles

time to get up
why
the kids are going to school
erik will take care of it
good bye mom
good bye
love you
have a good day
lock the door
ok
time to get up now
no
why
the dogs need to pee
you need to clean
you need to do something
anything
apply for a job
watch a movie
clean the house
mop up pee
fine
not qualified for job
see therapist
get out of the house
go shopping
don't buy anything
no money
do i want to work here
no
i will miss the kids
i will miss the dogs
i won't be able to clean
i won't be able to make meals
i won't be able to sleep
go to next store
i don't want to work here either
why did i go to school
dogs fight
blood
medication
order pizza
go to bed

Monday, January 18, 2016

I really hate this time of year

It seems to me that most people start the new year with hope and a fresh start.

Not me.

It's my birthday month and I start to reflect on all the crap that went wrong the year before, the goals I didn't reach, how much more I weigh and how much more I can carry on my shoulders from this point forward.

I try to define myself and feel like I never can.

Yeah, it's not a happy time for me but I've never been that happy type of person.

If you're looking for sunshine and rainbows, move along to another blog. If you're not looking for that, I'll just remind you that misery loves company.

Every time this year, I am relieved that Christmas is over but at the same time I kind of miss it. It's always so stressful and I almost HATE every. single. second. of December.

"Next year it will be better".  I say this every year. I don't even think we listened to any Christmas music this year. Was I that busy?

The older the kids get, the less they need me and I don't know what to do with myself during the day when they're not here. Sometimes I just don't get out of bed. For days.

I've stopped cooking. I have 48 cans of soup in the pantry and there have been no complaints. No one misses my cooking so why should I bother?

I keep buying scrapbook supplies but haven't created anything in quite awhile. I'm not sure why. My newer scrapbooking material sits around my bed like a protective wall. All I want to do is sit down and create something but there is this invisible force that prevents me from doing so. "I'll do it tomorrow" is my usual saying.

I got a Cricut Explore for Christmas and I finally figured out how to use it and made Katrina a Chappie shirt.

So that's about the only thing I've done this year. I know it's only the 18th but I'm already feeling guilty for not doing much with the machine. I have intentions. That's all I have. Lots and lots and lots of intentions.

You know what is even worse? I haven't been to the shelter in a month. Maybe more. I have no desire to go back. I can't look at the animals' faces and I can't watch them die. And right now, burying my head in the sand feels a lot better than going in and dealing with the animals and some of the people that help them.

But, I know how I feel after visiting the animals. I mostly feel refreshed and rejuvenated and I really need to get my ass down there and walk a dog or something.

I also know I need a job. I was very disappointed when my seasonal Kohl's job was just that: Seasonal.

I took it harder than I thought. I spent a week sulking in bed watching every Girls episode on HBO.

At the end of the week, I got up and applied on-line to Tuesday Morning. I go there once a week so I thought that would be a good job for me. I was rejected within 30 minutes.

Oh, and lets not even start about the whole vet assistant/vet tech thing, OK? I still haven't decided if that was a mistake or not. I LOVED school and I graduated with honors but finding a job has been tough. There are also many aspects of the job that I don't think I like. My teacher warned me several times that I would need to grow a thicker skin.

But with even graduating with honors, I wasn't allowed to volunteer any of my newly learned skillz at PACC. They didn't want me in anywhere in their clinics. THAT stung. Badly. Very badly.

I remember sitting in the guy's office at PMI back in August 2014 and he asked me why I wanted to be a vet assistant/tech.

"Well", I started, "I want to educate people on vaccinations, spaying and neutering. I want to help the working poor keep their dogs healthy and loved".

"Oh!" he said. "You want to do God's work." I looked at him and blushed. I just wanted to help. Looking back on that conversation now I think, "I was so fucking naive". How could I be so naive at my age? How was I duped into thinking I could do something so remarkable?

I had been to Dog Patch, I had worked the SOS desk, I had worked at PACC and with rescues. I went to school to learn how to help.

I think I just want to put that on the back burner for awhile. Maybe there is something else I can do with animals. I applied at Petsmart today as either a cashier or dog bather.

I also applied at Hallmark as a merchandise re-stocker. I think I would be good at Hallmark as long as I don't read the cards. Some of you know how easy I cry, right? I'd probably get tears all over the cards and then I'd be fired for that.

Erik and I are still trying to catch up from when the UofA fucked us over so badly, leaving us unemployed for 7.5 months. I haven't even written about it and I'm not sure when or if I will. 

False rumors of our financial situation made the rounds through the family and horrible assumptions were made. I was caught off guard by one of the most insulting and degrading letters I've ever received. I answered the letter but Erik never allowed me to mail it.
 
We'll see what happens for 2016.

Sorry I'm in such a crappy mood.

I got it all out so maybe tomorrow will be better.

You know, fresh start and all.







Thursday, January 07, 2016

Neon makes me want to wrestle

Yesterday I had my "annual" gyno exam. "Annual" is in quotes because it was actually longer than a year. I guess it had been 15 months. I knew it was time when Walgreen's wouldn't refill by prescription for my stupid birth control pills but had no idea why. All they could tell me was that it was under "Waiting Physician Approval".

I remembered that last year I couldn't refill until I made an appointment with the gyno for my annual. I was already late because who the hell remembers to fill their birth control pills when they're not having sex anyway? (Just because I'm married means nothing. My husband has quite the intimate affair going on with his computer. I'd rather sleep.)

So I called the OBGYN and demanded that they (please) stop holding my birth control pills under hostage. I'd make a stupid appointment. The nurse said she'd call them in but of course, it never happened so then I'm a week late starting the pill.

I called again, this time a bit angrier. I remember I had to do the same thing last year. I vowed this year to never go back to this OBGYN again. Never.

I make it to my appointment 10 minutes early. I still have to fill out paperwork even though I've been going to the same damn place for 15 years.

They call my name, they weigh me, I sigh in disgust and then I'm shuffled into a room with sexy bedroom furniture. There are plush, purple velour seats and I can see the outline of the person's pant seam that sat there before me.

Weird.

I was given a purple silk robe with delicate embroidery and told that it opens in the front. Considering the sexy furniture and now this silk robe, I was afraid that maybe I was at the wrong place. However, I looked a little more at small pile of fabric on the table and there was the same paper blanket that they have every year sitting quietly next to the purple silk. I sighed in relief.

I took every thing off and like everyone else, folded my underwear and hid them in the pants. Does everyone do that? I thought what would it be like if I just acted like I was at home...threw the pants on the chair, the underwear on the floor, the bra hanging from the doorknob. I wasn't in the mood to test new grounds so I just left my clothes neatly on the plush velour chair and wondered what kind of outline my folded pants would leave.


I put the robe on, sat up on the table and waited and waited and waited. The robe was hot and I was sweating. Thank goodness for the paper blanket so I could wipe the sweat off.

Finally she came in. She did her thing and then we talked. I asked her when she could rip my ovaries out and she said she wasn't going to do that because I would have a difficult time with the hormones and stuff. (I'm only adding that part because my mother asks me EVERY SINGLE YEAR, "Why don't you ask them to rip out your ovaries?")

I asked her if there was anything I could do about my constant weight gain.

"Well, at your age", (shit is always going to be bad when people start out with that phrase) "it would be best to exercise 1 hour a day at least 6 days a week. Do you exercise now?"

I found myself staring at the wall as I answered her....

"Well, I've exercised in the past and it never does anything. Consistently, I mean. I've consistently exercised and (turning my head back to her so she doesn't think I'm lying) I lose no weight."

This is totally true. I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome and while I'm thrilled I don't have a mustache, as that is one of the symptoms, I cannot lose weight. This is why my mom asks me EVERY SINGLE YEAR, "Why don't you ask them to rip out your ovaries??"

"Hmmmm", she puts her manicured hands on her slender waist and I know she thinks I'm lying. "Why don't you join a gym? How about hire a trainer? It will really help your depression, too."

"All great ideas but the last time I was in a gym, I got incredibly sick. I'm really good about washing my hands but I no longer want to ever work out in a gym again. Besides I like to be at home when I exercise. Really, I totally wash my hands all the time."

This is really because I am way too self conscious to bounce around in front of anyone.

And really, hire a trainer? Can I use my EBT card to hire one? Who the hell has money for that? Oh, I know! Doctors! That's who.

She just looks at me, chin in hand and kind of tilts her head and starts to say something but I interrupt her.

"Ok, I'll start back (I really emphasized that word) on an exercise routine." God knows I have plenty of videos and motivational music to do something. I could even walk a dog here and there.

So, while I'm at Target today I'm walking around and saw a sign that says 40% off athletic bras. Well, heck! That's my biggest problem. Controlling my chest while exercising is half the battle. I bought the brightest (and actually largest) sports bras they had.

The bright neon colors will motivate me. I know they will. A couple weeks ago I bought some fancy neon stars decorated workout pants.

Holding up the pants, I asked my coworker, "Don't these pants just make you want to RUN?!"

She just looked at me.

But now I have a set.

A set of neon, fun, you-know-wanna-work-out, work-out outfit.

I'm now wearing the neon and I feel really good. I even bought some actual athletic type socks to make it feel more official.

I'm going to get out of bed here any second and start working out. I'm just on a Girls marathon since finding out the Kylo Ren is kind of a babe and that Adam Driver's previous work was on Girls. I have to watch every single one (while eating vegi straws) and then I'll work out.

In my neon. So watch out.

Oh, and here's a picture to capture your attention if you see this on Facebook....


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Zombie

Just because my children have spent their lives in front of the camera does not mean they are happy to be there at any given time.

Both have had their pissy periods where they don't want to pose in front of the camera. When they were little, it was easier. I could bribe them with cookies. Now they want things like money and computer games.

Sometimes there is nothing to convince them except for threats. This was the case with Trent on Halloween 2012.

Ok, we really didn't threaten him. He made his costume and he looked FANTASTIC. He did his own make up.

Why wouldn't he want to crawl on the driveway after a bloody hand? I'll never know.

He also didn't particularly like my idea of being a "Zombie in the Headlights". I thought it was a cool shot because it looked more realistic than a really pissed off 12 year old crawling towards a plastic and bloody stump.

I just finished the page of that night almost 3 years ago...


It turned out a little more green than I had pictured in my head.

I made the background with a stencil and some crackle paste. I heated it dry, I covered it with brown ink and then sprayed green ink and wiped part of it off with a stencil of wonky circles.

Red ink flicked on for fun, because it is after all, a Halloween page about Zombies.
Papers are BasicGrey (Persimmon) and Kaisercraft. You can see I dug out the Magic Mesh from 1942. Also, some Tim Holtz here and there. Zombies are stamps that my friend, Sally, sent me. I LOVE THEM. I stamped and used Copics to color in. Fussy cut and then distressed the edges so they wouldn't stand out so much.

Somewhere I have a tiny fly stamp which would be perfect stamped over the "Z". Can I find it? No, of course not. I found the block of wood it's supposed to be stuck to, but no rubber.

So, imagine my page with a couple flies stamped on it. Looks better, eh?

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Shoe Shopping

Every year before school, my grandmother takes the kids shoe shopping. This year, she also treated us to lunch!


School starts on the 6th! I don't think I even remember having a summer.


No, the kids did not realize they were wearing matching shirts when they left the house.




Cheeseburgers are like steak and lobster for my kids!


I warned them not to get the GIANT sundae but they wouldn't listen to me. I had to help them finish. *sigh*

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Living above our means

Oh, it's summer at the Binnie house. You can tell because all the fans are on and you can smell the kids because they don't shower as often.

Erik still has no job. Thank you University of Arizona for screwing us so badly. I will make sure that none of my children get an education from you.

So, what does a family with no income for 4.5 months do for fun?

Gluttonous use of water in the kid's old baby pool. Oh, but it gets worse.

We wanted the dogs in the pool for entertainment so I threw a couple ice cubes in there. They LOVE ice cubes. However, they weren't interested in them floating around the pool so I brought out carrots.

I think they love carrots more than ice cubes.

We threw carrots in the pool and watched the dogs dive for them. Now that is fun!

You can see from Kat's expression that she is having the best time of her life.


  


The dogs are really enjoying it, too. 

You can also tell that I'm having a really bad day. Sorry. I'll come back when I'm in a better mood or when Erik finally gets a job. Whichever comes first. 





Erik and I make lists of things we want to repair/replace after he gets a job. We're like little kids at Christmas making their wish list.  The list keeps getting longer and longer.  

There is no living anymore. It's simply existing. There is nothing to look forward to. There are no feelings. Nothing.



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